Ive attempted writing my first blog at least 7 times and each one I would delete because I would re read it and gag from the overload of sappiness-- It just didn't sound like me. I am a strong independent woman who gets shit done (my ego says). The more I tried convincing myself that, the more depressed the longer this quarantine continued.
At first it was cool... work break, sleep in, stay home, relax. But then I realized I am a workaholic. This didn't work. I found myself starting this new business and overloading myself with orders, and once again putting myself in the cycle of not having enough time to self care. I was repeating the same toxic cycle I had while I had a booming fashion business and full time job. I made myself believe if I don't come out of this with a 6 pack, 100k saved, learned a new language, and have a new skill under my belt, designed an entire new collection, painted at least 6 canvases by now, got my rumba walks perfect, planted herbs, learned new recipes, (etc. etc. etc..... EXHAUSTING I KNOW!!!) I lost precious time and I was a lazy slob.
Thats when the depression hit.
I went into full breakdown with my dance partner as my witness. There I was, sobbing uncontrollably in the empty dance studio where I used to work. Crying about my obsession with being over-productive and having realized I have lost my entire identity.
You see, all my life I have been tied to SOMETHING that defined me. I was a Polynesian & Filipino Folk dancer and performer since the age of 5, I was a Professional Dancer since 19, I was Ms. Philippines-- I won this, I won that, I was fashion designer, I was blah blah blah. I stood underneath these hats (or crowns) and played those characters.
I realized I had no identity to stand behind anymore. And it was like living in a body with a complete stranger.
For the first time in my life, at 32, I have no idea who I am.
Not only that but for someone who was used to being intensely physically active 7 days a week to struggling to find the motivation to get up and take a run downstairs was really messing with my mental health.
As an extreme extrovert I found myself going through withdrawals and beat myself up by convincing myself I am insecure for needing to be around people.
Yea... I was real mean to myself.
After my breakdown I was able to clearly see now that I am way too damn hard on myself. The expectations I had of myself were literally unachievable. My obsession with being productive every second of the day and my obsession with looking like I've got it all together was eating at me.
"I realized I had
Hello world, I'm Nessa
Once upon a time, not very long ago, I was a full-time professional ballroom dancer, owner of a busy prom and bridal brand & a very very social consumer, traveler & dancer. The 2020 pandemic completely flipped my world upside down, and my identity, career and spirit has been on a journey of transformation since. Welcome to a very open view of how I am adapting to isolation, what I am eating, how I stay healthy, feel beautiful & how I am preparing for LIFE AFTER QUARANTINE!